Freedom
KATY
It is distant but it is still real - that feeling of freedom, of being unshackled and without fear. Covid has taken from us, it has taken the breath from young lungs, the human feel of family, the right to roam and the security to plan. When I was young I hoped that being an adult would mean total freedom. I could not imagine that freedom meant bills, meant heartache or maintaining my own safety. Growing up is often mitigating danger & disaster. During my early twenties danger meant social rejection, weight gain or failing to submit an essay. I did not understand the real danger as I - half drunk and half happy - walked home at 2am because nobody told me that what I was doing was specifically dangerous. You can't pretend at experience - I knew that, but I covered it up by pretending I was brave and by resolutely running towards, what I hoped, was my moment of adult fulfilment. And experience did come. Slowly I took on bills, protecting myself and not being so resolutely set on proving myself to all around me.
Lockdown has been - in some ways - a bit like this. We have had a year of returning to not knowing as much as we wished we did. Danger has been a difficult thing to understand and grasp - it is often disguised, too large to comprehend or it brings so much fear that we find ourselves, despite knowing better, having to pretend it isn’t there. Danger will often be the thing that is over there, that surely cannot come into my life. But we have all lived with danger - and it’s rough group of acquaintances - for the last year. Fear for me at the start did not mean illness, it meant losing my job. As the year progressed I took note of the changing nature of my fears. I began to fear that those around me would get unwell, would die. I began to fear that isolation would rob people of their right to happiness and to thrive. I began to fear that we’d have a sort of collective loss of identity, where human ties fall away to silence and separation. And then fear felt more like boredom and frustration. Which of course signaled the start of the real danger - that statistical wave that crashed over the UK. We, or rather those in power, asked that we ignore realities and instead get back to it. Which really meant please boost the economy and ignore the impact on vulnerable people.
And then the vaccine programme and a new lockdown arrived. January was difficult. February was also difficult. It felt similar to a two month hangover from reckless behaviour. I found it extremely hard to imagine that freedom was close. I felt angry, trapped and resigned. But I also felt a few splutters of joy as my amped up fear started to subside. Parents started to get their vaccine and that was truly a wonderful thing. The only solution to this pandemic is to get people vaccinated, to update and maintain behaviour and for leadership to be thoughtful and based on realities, not preferences and privilege.
And now - nearly halfway through April - we are entering into a different and less restrictive lockdown. Pubs, those glorious and Very British places of worship, are opening up. Everybody from Phase 1 has received their jab. We can get our hair cut, which might not seem significant but I definitely understand that for many that means self-care and a moment of personal joy.
If lockdown was a sort of returning to childhood then I’d like to ponder on the fact that we are often formed by the experiences of our younger lives. I will not go back to the way I was at university or to the endless waiting and wanting that being small entailed. But I do - as an adult - very much appreciate those years of palming off decisions to those who, as it turns out, did often know better and I am equally grateful for the endless freedom of long summers and open fields. The things I am taking with me from lockdown will be a reminder that human connection is extremely important, that taking things slowly is okay and a gratitude for the good things in my life. I hope that as our freedoms increase that we can all take something from this often awful, often painful but perhaps formative experience.